THE WALFLOWER's Journal
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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
you can't hide
behind social graces
so don't try
to be all touchy feely
cuz you lie
in my face of all places
but i've got no
problem with that really
what bugs me
is that you believe what you're saying
what bothers me
is that you don't know how you feel
what scares me
is that while you're telling me stories
you actually
believe that they are real
and i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i said
when i said i'll take it
i meant,
i meant as is
just give up
and admit you're an asshole
you would be
in some good company
i think you'd find
that your friends would forgive you
or maybe i
am just speaking for me
cuz when i look around
i think this, this is good enough
and i try to laugh
at whatever life brings
cuz when i look down
i just miss all the good stuff
when i look up
i just trip over things
and i've got
no illusions about you...
you can't hide
behind social graces
cuz i don't buy it
like everyone else
and you can lie
in my face of all places
just don't
lie to yourself
cuz i've got
no illusions about you
and guess what?
i never did
and when i say
when i say i'll take it
i mean,
i mean as is...
...as is...
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
and it's all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it's a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it
well you're never gonna find it
if you're looking for it
won't come your way
well you'll never find it
if you're looking for it
should've done something but I've done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you
should've said something but I've said it enough
by the way my words were faded
rather waste some time with you
Current music: The Used Blue and Yellow
Friday, November 5, 2004
in high school, i used to have so much to write in this thing. Once, i posted a whopping 6 entries in one day. I dont know if i find that pathetic or not. Regardless, here i am. Here i am in college. The place im "supposed" to be. Then, i go onto more school. Grad School. soon that will be over too. Then, my career. Hold on, where in all of that am i going to be able to be spontaneous? Why is it scary to me to have a maped out plan. I find that to be rather boring i guess. Some people, well the majority find comfort in that. I find it absolutely terrifying to think that i will be doing psychology shat the rest of my life so i guess i wont.
***i just want to go somewhere for a while and leave a life i once knew, but have the luxury to come back to it when i see fit***
is that selfish? I know theres no practaility<-(is that a word?) in that, but i think thats the point. Today, it wasnt really practical to cut off more of my hair and pay too much for it. But i did it, and i enjoyed it (mostly because i was served hot tea)
I think im going to call my 20s "the selfish years" . Because:
1- i know i wont be married/having children ( that was even scary to write)
2- i know i will do all the things i want to do
3- i wont devote my life to someone so freakin young
4- i want to buy expensive clothes, shoes, and flowers all for myself
and how do i know all these things?
ya know i dont know myself completely yet but those four things listed above, i feel pretty confident about and i guess thats all i need to know, right now.
Current mood:  curious Current music: Petey Yorn
Monday, November 1, 2004
6:25PM
Why do i hold onto the past when it already let go of me? I continuously suppress myself and tenaciously hold onto the idea that the "once was" will be "once again". Why is it that all the "once was's" can let me go but i keep them stored in a file called "perhaps on a rainy day". It's disturbing really. One by one i need to find away to destroy the contents of that file. I need to let go already.
gotta move on and play more chess.
Current music: rocket star music
Thursday, August 12, 2004
its been awhile.
and the suns still shinin
and the flowers still bloomin
just because somethin has dwindled
doesnt mean im not me
so come along and give it a try
i know you, dont tell a lie
test the boundaries that were un noticeably set
because i know the water is safe to bet
so double down on me
dont you see
we were meant to be.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
hay mommy...you sexy..
mrs. sachs......
opps =)
Monday, April 19, 2004
ive had the ultimate block from creativity.
ive had the ultimate lack of doing the things i enjoy doing solo
ive felt fake lately which is right up there{in my book} of worthlessness.
ive made some mistakes.
and also some choices.
May B this summer ill fill up my depleted cookie jar.
Sunday, March 28, 2004
7:03PM
you know id walk a 1000 miles if i could just see you...tonight.......
missin the soccer days
Monday, March 15, 2004
Saturday, March 13, 2004
12:33PM
it's that time again. hopefully i wont blow it.
nicky, we need to talk =)
Monday, March 8, 2004
a new major is underway.
im ditching the business crap and going into something that will make me feel fulfilled at the end of the day
it'll be more than "just a job to pay the bills"
la psychologie.
then off to graduate school->hopefully some place warm.
in 7 years...call me doc.
ill write. ill teach, ill give advice and consult. oraganization behavior management..?
what ive wanted to do all along.
**thanks rock climbing boy**
California is more and more enduring every time im there.
i feel at home there, with my over sized sunglasses and sandals.
im at a sense of ease...less stressed.
It has so much to offer me...but i have to find it..get it...and make it.
if it was served on a plate to me...made simple, would that constitute as "i did this."
no. the feeling of accomplishment should be challenging and bring setbacks--in which those are overcome by determination and the mentality of "dont give up [on yourself]"
in time, i hope to be full of those.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
youstupidfuckmotherfuckingassholepieceofshitpussygoodfornothingslutbarbrastreisand.
ahhhhhh i feel better now.
Thursday, February 12, 2004
8:53PM
what is there to say about life right now?
i could sit here and complain about the everyday
occasional piss offs, but really whats the point?
no one, including me, wants to hear me complain.
People have it so much worse than us college brats.
We enter a coffee shop:
"hi i would like a double latte with soy milk please"
coffee brat.
the guy down the way who has a little less than a dollar but hopes to get lucky:
"coffee please."
"1.00 please"
checks the coins...91 cents.
"...you got it"
and i think he would rather be worrying about a calc test.
Monday, February 2, 2004
4:15PM
fuck you for kissing me that night
everyone PLEASE make sweet love to me.
nah just kidding.
but everyone...PLEASE give me your addresses.
oh thanks so much...
Enjoy the below zero wind chill-i know i will*
Monday, January 26, 2004
DONT YOU EVER CALL ME THAT LATE AGAIN!
DAMNIT.
XO;)
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Your words burn me.
I listen.
Your words are a reality by which i am blinded.
But i listen.
Your concern is avuncular.
I listen.
Your matter of fact thoughts and what you can see and i cant
I envie.
But i learn.
You think I dont hear what youre saying.
**i do, this time**
Saturday, January 17, 2004
if there is anything to say right now is i need reevaluation of my priorities and how i go about things concerning my life
Monday, January 12, 2004
Listen to Dido: Life for Rent
All are excellent esp:
1
2
3
4
5
10
11
Monday, January 5, 2004
More than ever I am delighted to be back in the zoo...
break was excellent.
i spent time with people who i havent seen and that time spent was much needed.
i still can feel it.
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